middle of the night

i think i’m capable of some pretty amazing things. i have the willpower to get through a lot. there are so many little joys in life. a perfectly baked pie crust lattice. a bite into the juiciest sweetest white peach. the rising of bread in the oven. sometimes i forget this feeling.

my mom instilled a lot of “should”s in my life, and that has warped my expectations of other people. i kept to the rules, why couldn't they? i’ve always wanted to be good. not a disappointment. and i’ve gotten to a really great place in my life. maybe i think it’s because i kept to the rules. is it really ok to welcome the uncertainty and chaos? i’ve been doing so well. but am i happy? this is the only way i know how to live.